THE TUNNEL VISION TUBE QUESTIONNAIRE
The London Underground system, with all its hidden
tunnels and underground chambers, is the closest thing that London
has to a subconscious.
Likewise, the way you behave when you travel on the tube can
say more about you than any psychological profile.
So, what kind of a tube traveller are you? What do your actions
on the tube say about you as a person? Answer the following
questionnaire to find out.
TICK ONLY ONE ANSWER PER QUESTION
1. When you are waiting for a train, whereabouts
on the platform do you stand?
a) Anywhere will do
b) At the end of the platform
c) Exactly where you know the door will open
2. Who would you rather stand next to on the
tube?
a) a group of tourists
b) a tramp
c) someone wearing a walkman
3. Answer truthfully: when you have a seat on
the train and a pregnant woman gets on, do you
a) Leap out of your seat and offer it to her?
b) Suddenly find something interesting to read?
c) Glare angrily at the person in the disabled/elderly seat?
4. When sitting on the tube what do you look
at
a) Your book/newspaper?
b) The adverts?
c) Other people?
5. How much do you know about the Jack Daniels
distillery?
a) Its entire history - in fact you are a member of their smooth
sippin' whiskey club
b) Only as much as I catch by mistake while I'm waiting for
a train
c) Who's Jack Daniels?
6. When on the escalator do you
a) Stand on the left?
b) Stand on the right?
c) Walk to the top/bottom as fast as you can?
7. An electronic notice board tells you the next
train is due in 7 minutes. How long do you expect to wait?
a) 7 minutes
b) 10 minutes
c) 15 minutes
8. You are with a group of friends on the tube.
Where are you most likely to congregate?
a) In the entrance in front of the map
b) Somewhere out of the way
c) Anywhere we damn well please
9. When you talk to a station attendant, are
you most likely to
a) Wish him/her good morning?
b) Ask him/her directions?
c) Talk to a station attendant?! Are you mad?
10. A very loud American man, wearing chequered
trousers, asks you the quickest way to 'Lie Sester Square'. Do
you
a) Tell him the quickest way to Leicester Square?
b) Tell him the quickest way to Uxbridge?
c) Tell him to change at Holl-Born for the Pikerdilly Line?
11. You are sitting on a tube train and you notice
a man staring at you. Do you
a) Stare back, to see who looks away first?
b) Smile nervously and nod at him?
c) Get off at the next stop, and run for dear life?
12. You get on the train late at night to find
a man, stark naked, asleep, handcuffed to the hand rail. Do you
a) Molest him?
b) Ignore him, pretend he's not there?
c) Wake him up and congratulate him on his engagement?
13. How many train drivers does it take to change
a light bulb?
a) One. Ever since they got rid of the guards, train drivers
have to do everything by themselves
b) None. Why change the light bulbs? They haven't been changed
since 1939
c) A thousand. One to change it, 999 to go on strike about the
alteration in working conditions
Your total is:
SCOREBOARD
31-39 points
You are a hardened Londoner. You have the purest
Thames water running through your veins, and your heart is made
of London clay. The Underground is a second home to you, and you
can, and probably do, travel the tube with your eyes shut. Tourists,
beggars, buskers - you pass them by without so much as noticing
that they are there. Unless of course they get in your way, which
doesn't happen very often: when you have a travelcard in your
hand crowds tend to part before you like the Red Sea. This is
how it should be. It is your right to have a seat on the train
to work. It is your right to be the first one to the top of the
escalator. Because the tube is governed by hundred of rules of
behaviour, the most important of which is: me first.
21-30 points
You don't really know much about the tube, and you
don't want to know. Because the tube is horrible. It is smelly,
and crowded, and dark, and ultimately terrifying. Sometimes, when
you've been stuck in a tunnel for a while, you feel like screaming,
and kicking out at whoever is near you. Why don't they put proper
air conditioning in these places? Why aren't there proper escape
routes? You've heard that there are rats down here that are resistant
to all known rat poisons. You've also heard that the tube is at
constant risk from flooding, and fire, and a failing signalling
system - or at least, if you haven't heard of these risks before,
you have now, and that makes you even more nervous. Most of the
time you can ignore these potential disasters - but then, you
always stand towards the middle of the carriage, with a big fat
person between you and any hard objects, because you never know
when you might need something to cushion a blow…
13-20 points
Welcome to London! Bienvenue a Londres! Benvenuto
a Londra! You don't really know your way around yet, do you? You
haven't quite worked out the rules. People keep frowning at you,
and pushing past, when all you're trying to do is figure out where
you're going. London is so big! It seems to take forever to get
from the London Eye to Madame Tussaud's, and they're both supposed
to be in the centre of town. It makes you wonder if it is worth
travelling all the way out to Uxbridge after all - but then again
that nice man did tell you that's where you'd find Lie Sester
Square, and surely that's worth seeing...
